Hello, Poison Control?
I am a grown woman in her forties who has accidentally consumed her dog’s heart medication this morning while taking her grown up daily vitamins, and now I think I may be dying. Yes, I’ll hold. No, I don’t know how this could happen to me either. I’m probably the most responsible person that I know. No, there’s no one here with me, I live completely alone. Yes, I made totally unreasonable and demanding plans for myself today to go mountain biking—alone…in the woods—and no, no one is coming with me because I don’t have grown up friends who do this kind of thing anymore.
Hello, 911?
I’m only now realizing that the vacations our parents took us on when we were little kids were really only long distance sales trips through the southwest, and it was completely irresponsible to leave underage children alone in a hotel somewhere— in the 80’s and 90’s—with no adult supervision, or cell phones, for an entire day, while they went off to conventions or sales meetings, only to return later that evening and collect us – sometimes from a hotel lobby because we had to check out of our rooms – and then drive 10 hours to the next state or city.
Yes, hi, Event Services?
Could you tell me if anyone I’ve ever dated will be attending your concert/festival/event so that I can be sure to wear a disguise?
Hi, Customer Service?
I wrote an article for a freelance client about confidently wearing a swimsuit to the pool no matter what and getting over the patriarchy and feeling comfortable and I still haven’t used our new pool since it opened two years ago. Do you think anyone will know I am a complete fraud? It’s not so much that I don’t want to wear a swimsuit in public, it’s just that if anyone talks to me when I go out there I will catch on fire and burn into a smoldering pile of human dust-waste and never recover. It happened once at my last place when this old man without a shirt came and stood over me and wouldn’t leave and kept talking and I couldn’t get him to stop and he had these abnormally long nipples and he was covered in skin tags and I swear to god why do old men do this shit? My dad never once wore a shirt indoors, never, I swear on my life not once, especially when we had friends over. I bought him three pairs of matching long-sleeve pajamas one year at Christmas—and he was so offended and demanded to know why I would do that. I wouldn’t answer him and it resulted in a huge fight.
Hello Management?
Yes, how do you get a stranger to stop speaking to you in public? Should I just grab both sides of my head like a crazy person and rock back and forth? Yes? OK, I’ll give it a go and get back to you.
Hello, 911?
I have been sitting on this invoice I need to submit in order to get paid and I still haven’t sent it in. Is there something wrong with me?
Hello, God? Are you there? It’s me…
I’m remembering how I had trouble making friends in elementary school and the counselor pulled me into special meetings to ask about some things I’d said about my home life and parents and I answered honestly because I didn’t think it was a big deal. You know, about being punished and hit in the face and that sort of thing and I’m not sure if I talked about other the things (I won’t talk about here), but I didn’t even think that much about it because they were super nice to me and later that day my family went to CiCi’s Pizza and I brought it up to my mom and she was FURIOUS and I got in so much trouble and she told me that they were going to come take her away and it was all my fault. And then I had to start seeing that counselor regularly and I refused to tell them anything because I was afraid of how much trouble I’d get into at home, but I still just got into more trouble from then on. And did everyone else have this experience or was it just me?
Hello, Police?
I just wanted you to know I’m no longer afraid of sleeping with the lights off.
Hello, HR?
Yes, that one dude I went on a date with seven years ago sent me a random creepy text with an image of my guitar pick and no context. So, I responded telling him to stop contacting me and why. And he didn’t take it well. And I explained that we went out one time seven years ago and I told him to leave me alone for so many reasons and this is exactly why women stop dating men and he felt entitled enough to push back saying we ‘went out’ more than once—even though we didn’t, we hung out once after the initial date, but he had no money to do anything.
Hello, Hinge?
There’s something wrong with men. Can you please fix this?
Hi, Building Maintenance?
The screaming has started again but I’m not sure which unit it’s coming from. Yes – middle of the night, some dude screaming in the building. Yep. Thank you.
Hello, HR?
How do I explain to my boss that anxiety isn’t just shyness but literally a debilitating condition because it feels like my life is in danger and I can’t explain it and maybe returning to the office isn’t the best idea right now and it has less to do with people than a sick overwhelming dread about the state of the world?
Hello, are you there?
THE CALL IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE! GET OUT!
Hello, Universe?
Can you please tell past-me from two years ago that her glow-up efforts are great and she’s doing a good job but that ultimately the manic pixie dream girl version of herself will hit a roadblock in 2022 and it will not be her fault because all the efforts of her past abusers to make her smaller and quieter and less sparkly which will ultimately make it impossible to leave the house and go out and do the things that she once loved to do?
Hi, Grocery Store?
Why are you playing the existential angsty gems from my teenage years?
Hello, 911?
Did you know that poison control will call you back to check on you and see how you’re doing later that day?
Hi, DirecTV?
Did you know my dad has never called to check on me not once? I know, right? LOL
Hello, Target,
Do you like my hair like this? I did it just for you. You are literally my only plans this weekend other than working.
Hello, hi, hey. How are you?
