I turned 40 at the turn of the year and instantly discovered several irrefutable truths about life, the universe, and reality. I say ‘suddenly,’ but really, these are hard earned life lessons some of you probably learned from your parents who loved you. Maybe you weren’t stubborn, so you listened. Or maybe you weren’t raised by animals. Or maybe, just maybe, when you hit the big Four – Ohhhhhmyyyygod, your body and brain had a serious Come to Jesus meeting where all of this is laid bare on a white board in your brain, and you’re not allowed to leave the room until you sign a paper that says you understand.
First, Probiotics. This isn’t a ‘Hey you should consider…’ or ‘talk to your doctor about.’ No. Taking probiotics is not an option. If you fail to take them, your intestines will immediately (as in, on your 40th birthday) remind you that you are a living host to about 100 billion other life forms and your sole purpose on this planet is to carry them to fruition. They will rise up against you, and it will be almost as ugly as the Great Boomer Coup we saw on Jan. 6.
Second, Alcohol really isn’t fun anymore. I realize I’m like 5% of adults actually quarantining still, so drinking alone has lost its appeal. And, maybe having a mimosa on a patio with hot waiters with arm sleeves, hipster haircuts, and tight jeans might help. But drinking, in general, just sucks at 40. You can’t sleep that night; you just toss and turn. Your body bloats. And your face looks 5 years older the next day.
Third, you’re not drinking enough water. At 40, my entire day consists of rehydrating my parts. Eye drops, lip balm, lotion, face serums. But none of it helps if I’m not drinking at least two liters of water, I just turn to dust the next day. I guess it now has to be special pH balanced water? I don’t know. All I know is that instead of writing this, I should be drinking more water. More. NOW.
Four, the greatest life skill you probably haven’t mastered yet is setting boundaries. Now that you’re 40 you have official permission to cut all bullshit and make boundary-setting your new ‘thing.’ Anyone and everyone who dares to cross or push back against a personal boundary you set no longer deserves any access to you. And it should fill you with such power watching them bristle when you say the words, “this is a boundary I need you to respect.” Or, don’t. Just do it. Don’t allow anyone to argue with you about where or how they can see or touch you. Do not allow anyone to argue with what you think or know or believe is fundamentally important to your well being. If they do—they do not respect your boundaries.
Five, you cannot build a kingdom if you’re constantly worried about the opinions of the villagers. Your reputation is out of your hands at this point. Be a nice person and approach people with love, always. But, people are going to hate on you for their own personal issues. You don’t like everyone, so don’t waste a second of your time caring whether or not everyone likes you. If this is already you, great. But, take it one step further. If you find yourself attached to someone else who can’t handle not being loved or adored by all people all the time? Move. On. I spent almost two years with someone who desperately cared what a large group of strangers thought of him, his car, his hair, the shape of his actual head, his every move. People who had no idea who he was or what he stood for. He was so consumed with it, that it literally broke him. And it was painful to watch.
Six, sleep. If sleep isn’t a priority at 40, it needs to be. A good night’s sleep can solve a bad day at work, can delay a poor reaction to bad news, and can solve just about every crisis you are facing. If you are having poor sleep, you need to build a sleep routine. Having the same routine each night (hot bath, tea, a few pages of reading) signals to the brain that it’s time to unwind and go to bed. Pills are superficial and alcohol makes it worse.
Seven, listen to your heart. By now, you know what makes you happy. Trust me. But, for some reason, you’ve doubted it in the last. Maybe you let someone talk you into moving to the “cool” part of town. Some bullshit tech bro who poked and prodded at your ego with comments like “have you ever even beeeen to Nepal?!” Or “salt lake is such a great place to date” (while his long distance girlfriend lived in California). That’s OK. You were figuring things out as you went along. Listen – people are constantly telling you there’s no way you will ever be happy ‘until.’ You’ll never be happy until you move somewhere cool. You’ll never be happy until you finally meet someone. You’ll never be happy until you sell your home. The truth is…you’ll never be happy until you let yourself be happy.
Eight, don’t take dating advice from people you wouldn’t date. Are you getting dating advice from people in unhealthy relationships? Have you ever been set up with a friend of a friend, only to be resented for dating the guy they secretly liked? Has your buddy been sending you late night lonely texts over and over, even though he would be horrified if someone did that to his daughters? Are your friends giving advice or just criticism? Maybe they have a few good pointers. But, you don’t have to follow every word. Listen to your gut—you know the gut you’ve been feeding probiotics this whole time?
Nine, coupons! Coupons are where it’s at! If you’re not excited by saving up to $30 at the grocery store, then you are missing out! I got free eggs the other day, and I didn’t even need eggs! You’re a real, live grown up now who gets excited about beating the system for $2 off produce. You’re not ashamed to take things back to the store. You will return spoiled fruit. You have bills to pay!
Ten, finally, just do you. Figure out what brings you joy. It’s not worth fighting every battle, wasting energy on arguments, or social stalking. Oh my god, I am too busy constantly hydrating (DID YOU GO GET SOME pH WATER YET?!) to give a rat’s ass about an ex-fling on social media. Are you even kidding me? I had some old friends meet up once after a breakup and just dissssshhh on my ex and his new girlfriend. I shut it down pretty quick. I did not care. Why would I want to do that to myself? That’s his life. My life is not all about what he’s doing. My god, it wasn’t when we were together. That’s just codependency, poltergeist-style. I don’t want to be friends, post-break up. I have coupons to clip. I’m setting boundaries. I have to take a probiotic, for heaven’s sake.
Your life at 40 is the same life you’ve always had. But you’re slightly wiser, more dehydrated, and less tolerant of bullshit. Be mindful of your energy. Focus on what makes you happy. And let things go. Life is short.
