It’s almost my birthday. On New Year’s Eve. Prom for grown ups. Woo-freaking-hoo.
Eight/Nine
It’s also the 8th anniversary of my mom’s passing. It’s a weird day to lose someone because you go right into another year the next day and it’s hard to keep track exactly how long they’ve been gone. Eight years?
She died on the last day of 2016, but we buried her in 2017. So has she been gone eight or nine? It’s still hard for me to process because for all of 2017 it felt like I should have been a lot further along in my grief when really she’d only been gone for a few months. But she died the year before. So…
So.
So tomorrow’s my birthday. And it’s her anniversary. And I really miss her. On top of being New Year’s Eve. And it makes me avoidable. I think it technically makes me a manic pixie. (Fight me on this I dare you.)
It’s a day when people have mostly avoided me for the past eight years. Nine years? A day when my partners have ditched me because I am a ticking time bomb. Or dumped me. Or I get weird texts like “awww happy birthday 😬😭 sad day for you”
Does hallmark make a “Happy Birthday/I’m sorry for your loss”card?
I’m not always sad. Some years I do OK. Turning 40 and not having to make a ‘thing’ about it in 2020 was fine. But some years have really sucked.
It’s sucked not having “my people” in Utah. It sucks not having a community to belong to. And it sucks being away from friends and family…even though isolation has also helped sometimes.
My relationship with my mom was complicated. I wanted her love so so bad. And I didn’t always get it. But I still loved her. And she did some amazing things with her time here. I was very proud of her. I believe that she loved me. But it sometimes felt like she didn’t have room for me.
If you ever find yourself in a relationship with a partner who won’t let you talk about it, I promise it’s better to be single on your birthday – even if it’s New Year’s Eve.
And sometimes I just wanted my birthday to be about me. Which feels selfish.
As far as the other stuff? I wish people didn’t view getting older and being single as a condition that needs to be fixed. People age. Single people exist. When your mom dies, it’s ok to be sad about it.
If you ever find yourself in a relationship with a partner who won’t let you talk about it, I promise it’s better to be single on your birthday – even if it’s New Year’s Eve.
Its a fundamental truth that some of the worst people you know are in committed relationships right now. And as much as that bugs me, it does kind of sting that they probably have birthday plans.
Time heals nothing
I’m not sure why this year feels different. Maybe it’s the eight-year itch. Maybe it’s that I’ve spent as much time in Utah before my mom died as after. Maybe it’s that this was the nexus point in my life when everything changed.
Since she’s been gone I’ve moved. I’ve been homeless, I’ve changed jobs, I’ve won and lost.
Maybe it’s just that every year on my birthday I get a reset and I’m tired of looking ahead at another year of personal growth and inner work that feels the same as the one before it. Or maybe it just feels an awful lot like 2016 again for so many reasons beyond my control.
My birthday wish
I think, if I get to blow out the candles on my own cake, and make a wish, I’d like to ask the universe for a few selfish things going forward.
I’d like to have some experiences where it doesn’t feel like I’m asking for too much to be the center of attention. Maybe it’s ok for once.
I’d like to get dressed up fancy and go to a nice place. I’d like the courage to do it alone. I’d like people to understand why it sucks to do all my favorite things by myself.
I’d like people to know that I don’t want to be their fan when I’m trying to be a friend. That there’s a difference, and that it’s transactional the other way around. That it’s ok not to like everything they do and still be a friend.
I’d like to be able to be included even if we don’t have the same shared trauma.
I’d like more money. Lots of it. So I can afford to save some of it.
I’d like to live someplace where you can do more things. Where you don’t have to be defined by just one stupid hobby.
I’d like to see the people I care about more.
And I’d like more good things. And maybe less stupid evil people making the news.
That’s it. Happy birthday. To me.
