Atomic Blonde was the Wonder Woman 1984 we all deserved, but didn’t get.
I waited an entire quarantine to see Gal Gadot’s glorious face and serious badassness come to life on screen this Christmas only to watch a sad-sacky Diana mope her way through some bland, pretend 80’s set, complaining that she was lonely and had a dull boring job at the Smithsonian Museum of Natural History. Even when she gets her wish and has her boyfriend back, she’s unenthused and makes tired jokes about his wardrobe, and helps him realize his dreams as a pilot, struggling to find the confidence even to realize some power of invisibility that her father used to have (I only did it once, and I can’t figure it out…)
At least in Atomic Blonde you get the powerful superhero, hiding her identity, in the 80’s who has enough confidence to disappear when she needs to and not drop everything when she meets a hot dude. She even has a cute, small fangirl who crushes on her and doesn’t make it to the ending. And she doesn’t do some dumb wink at the kiddos at Orange Julius when she kills the bad guys.
I’ve read a lot of people’s complaints about the movie: the strange writing, the plot holes, the weird cat-thing. And I get it. The writing was off. But it’s more than that. I have thoughts. I have theories.
First, I think there was likely a good story there, separate from the source material, but it’s a classic case of the Camel. The saying goes, “a camel is a horse designed by committee.” I’m willing to bet a talented writer wanted a storyline that featured Diana going through PTSD from losing her loved one in the war. Fine. Great. I’d watch that. But about 17 producers and their teams came to the table saying:
“No! People want to see long exposition sequences on the Greek Island of Lesbos!”
“What about a cool action bit where Diana has to compete and and and it somehow ties back to the main theme of the whole movie?!”
“More women in gladiator clothes constantly fighting and doing crossfit!!!”
First, no. We don’t. Second, that 45 minute sequence was so boring and had absolutely nothing to do with the main story. (Was there a main story?) No. The next time we get a flashback to Diana’s home world it better be about something other than constant fighting and grunting. Surely—SURELY—those women had other things to do than constant sword play?! Surely there was a Senate. Maybe there was school?
I bet there was a class system. I mean there was a monarchy. Hyppolyta was a queen or a goddess who fucked Zeus. That HAD to have split the group dynamic. My mythology is blurry, but didn’t she have Diana by fucking Zeus and telling everyone she was tricked? Wasn’t Zeus disguised as a swan? Or a bull? Was fucking animals like…just cool with everybody there? Was there an anti-Diana faction on the island because they saw her as a living betrayal of values to the core group? Did other women want to have kids? They didn’t seem to age and yet Diana was a child, was that like, weird?? Did they have scientists and libraries? What about bakers and janitors? I guess what I’m saying is I want to see the Citadel of Rick’s episode of Wonder Woman next, and there better not be constant sword practice. Even Amazons have to stop and eat.
Next, this movie’s soundtrack was HUGE miss. OK, so we start at …wait for it…THE MALL. WOWWEEE. How 80’s is that?! I mean, remember the mall!? I was born in 1980, and there was more to the 80’s than parachute pants, goddammit. Where was the soundtrack in this movie? Where was the nod to the pressure of the growing division of the upper class? What about the COLD WAR? And the Berlin Wall? There was a little talk about nukes and Russians in this movie, but they didn’t even touch on what it was like in the 80’s: Were we going to war? What about the war on drugs? What about Depeche Mode? And speaking of music, there were so many women breaking barriers in the 80’s. So many people of color suddenly on the music scene changing the way the world sounded.
But no. Insert silly parachute pants bit here.
The 80’s was the birth of the millennial generation, by the way. This is where it all started. We were finding our way and pop culture was there to raise us. But it was dark, and mean, and sad. It wasn’t cutesy winter scenes and throwing snowballs in downtown DC. It was a full-blown AIDS epidemic, rioting, and marching. It was Reagan and New Wave, and, and, and…
You know what?
Like I said, Atomic Blonde did it better.
Side note: Bechdel Test: Maybe? The one conversation between Gal and Kristin inevitably turns into, “So…have you ever been in love? What was he like??” So…
